Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
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