I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Randomize
