Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
