I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
