the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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