You were right. It hurts to walk today.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
