I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
