I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
