Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
