Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
