I want to have your abortion
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
