Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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