so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize
