the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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