yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
