We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
