I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
