i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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