its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
if i died would you start the facebook group?
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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