Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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