According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
