it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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