I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
