just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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