i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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