i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
