when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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