Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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