One girl and one boy is just not enough.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
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