alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Randomize
