is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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