It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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