she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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