i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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