that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
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