i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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