Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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