I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
