After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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