Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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