I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
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