if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
