she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I want to fling myself into the sun
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
