they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
