He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
