I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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