I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
