just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
