Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
