as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
