i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
God I need to hump something, right now.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
