Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
