part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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