So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
send nudes
from the living room?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
